Practice Log for June 14th

Methods & Movements

The kriyas began around 10:45, about an hour after taking the hemp dose with my breakfast. There was not much clear intention today, and it just felt like “body stuff” needed to be felt into.

But when I went to take my vitamins (swallowing a number of large pills) I had an intense gag reflex that triggered me and subsequently the rest of session. It ended up being a lot about throat, heart, and sacral chakras, with hip (root) and solar plexus involved occasionally but to a lesser extent, more just passing through movements. 

Early on, along with the gagging reflexes triggered by swallowing, I worked with rebounding / light impact / bouncing to shake loose significant armoring around throat and heart. I took swallows of water for a while after the vitamins (for something gentle) and later, once more had released, some tasty dates for more of a challenge.

I also worked on re-associating “good tastes” and what "felt good", riding the intense energy waves through the body by focusing on the knife edge between pain and pleasure, which it turns out, are very close together neurologically.

Many triggers lay along those lines for me so there were tears, laughter, a lot of shaking, and some heart racing from panic released along the way. I surrendered to the process and felt it pass through me.

I noticed that the throat and vaginal canal seemed to echo or mirror each other energetically. This is not always the case, but is related to the trauma memories that the gagging pulled up. I used pendulation to bounce between the two, exploring the similarities and differences.

Both areas are full of pain and bracing, and the relating between them revealed that they seemed somehow energetically reversed: my womb cold and shut down, energetically frozen, while my throat and the top of my digestive system is overactive but rejecting…when I am not numbed out, I am almost always nauseous. Things would rather come up than go down… and yet also somehow hungry, unsatisfied, craving... a conundrum of physical sensations. This is usually dissociated, but as I’m building connections the confused sensations come more into my awareness and is very challenging.

Pendulation*, or a shifting of awareness, helped me move the stuck energy and to differentiate between "stuck" and "evolving" sensations despite both feeling painful. There were also blasts of cold and heat in both regions. That felt very odd. Heat pouring out of my left ear too, off and on.

Words want to come out of the throat, but can’t quite yet because of mental blocks (dissociation), but progress is happening as we burning through trauma (samskara).

I used resistance bands, rolled up towels, and a tennis ball to provide feedback and resistance to various locations around my shoulders, stomach, and legs. Some of this was active engagement, others passive depending on what was called for by the sensations of the body. This deepened my ability to get into the “heart” of the energy movements.

The energy today was primarily ascending, but rebounded frequently down the spine too when blocked, diverted through nadis and along meridians that were ready to "feel the burn". They continue now in my lower back (sacral) even as I write, though more subtle now.

I had various releases throughout - big belches, muscles knots melting, and, my favorite, the "ringing of the inner bell". This usually signifies significant clearing through the heart center. Today these came with brief cold sweats, which I associate with the release of old terror, fight, and flight responses.

I tracked the movements on the maps (below) for only a little while. Eventually I became so engrossed with the movements, and the movements were so fine, that the act of recording it was too much a distraction. However, I believe it was ever finer and more specific variations on the theme of those I managed to capture as the energy moved increasingly "inward".

When I finish writing this, I will go close out the ritual with some Rapé. This is supposed to help “contain” the energy. Otherwise I may well continue to "kriya" for hours, and well into the night. Which sometimes is fine, but right now I feel a need for the energy to be contained in my stomach region. This will help the stomach relearn to "hold" energy, another layer of healing needed, rather than so much "leaking" out.

Insights & Breakthroughs:

Towards the end of practice, “new memories” and repressed information began to seep in. I want to say bubble up and the word choice is significant. These are memories and information stored in my guts, making their way into mental domain (neck and up). As I repair the directional flow of memories and energy, they find their way into my center of awareness: instead of up and out (vomitting, nausea), they arrive in my minds eye.

They are yet vague and bring more questions than answers, but gesture towards parts of me that have been hidden.

As this new information came in and settled like a bird making a nest, I let my mind explore the edges between identity and values or belief systems. It was a dissociative act…depersonalizing a bit as new understanding of who I’ve been and what I’ve survived settle in…I cannot look directly at the new revelations the whole time. They are so much. So I let, even encourage, the mind to wander a bit…to keep a safe distance from the heart of the pain, the tearing of this sort of trauma.

It hurts to reconnect, but it’s better in the long run than separation. But I let myself numb a bit with philosophical and psychological pondering. It helps. And I know it will continue to help as we heal. It is not time wasting…not idle distraction (like scrolling on TikTok would be) but instead, letting the pain direct my attention and creativity, even if I cannot look directly at the source of pain. I must not let it fully consume me. I must integrate these mountains bit by bit.

It is a type of attentional dancing...another form of pendulation.

Perhaps I will write separately about the insights those wanderings brought…but later. Not now. They may just be for me. These new memories were preceded by a series of more minor, but important personal insights that I will set about integrating into my life.

Mapping

I created this simplified map to track the movements of the energy, at least until I needed to focus more inward. I have blended a few Meridian Points and Chakras. Chakras are more my comfort zone, but I'm finding that as I learn more about the meridians, both are valuable maps for understanding what is happening inside.

I use colored markers in an intuitive manner, using them in a way that draws on art therapy; I just let my hand move, following the inner sensations. There's no hard and fast rules for which colors when, or shapes, etc. It's more a naturally evolving synesthetic experience, and another layer of association for the work.

I numbered the sequence of "passes" through the system.

Round 1 felt like expansion against resistance into the heart space, including shoulders and throat. This was where teh gagging sensations were most intense and took a while to shake out armoring. There were finer movements within the tissue that may have aligned with traditional Nadi maps, though I did not bother to track it. The energy worked down into my hands for a while too, especially the right (dominate hand).

Round 2 and 3 were more typical rising movements, up along the spinal column though in no way confined to the spine, wrapping around and through connective tissue and organs. Many fascia releases, especially in neck and throat. This was where I made use of resistance balls and towels the most, rolling around on the floor to get at especially stuck spots. I'm sure I was the picture of elegance.

Round 4 seemed to move downward from the throat, and began a fair amount of leg and hips work, more traditional yoga poses, especially pigeon, bridge, and splits variants.

I am experimenting with this new tool...a log of predominate, qualitative chakra sensations during my session. It's new...I think I like it. TBD how it holds up over time.

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References:
I am pretty sure I learned about pendulation from one of Peter Levine's books but cannot find the citation now... sp here's a website that gives a decent overview https://www.monakirstein.com/pendulation/